well a lot has happened since i posted in here last (almost three years ago)...

i ended up dropping out of college - i didn't really have a choice in the matter - i ran out of funding - and no one would give me a loan - and i couldn't really afford the tuition - which was roughly 40,000 a year....

i took a class to become a certified nursing assistant (CNA), because i needed to make money to pay my loans... i did it for a year and a half - and suffered burn-out and went back to working in retail...

i ended up in an 'interesting' relationship... i moved in with him and gave him all of me.. which was the wrong thing to do... i don't regret trying out the relationship - what i regret is that i didn't see things sooner than i did... too much heartache - but that old addage is true - better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all...

i now work at sears - i make minimum wage... i've been looking for better jobs that pay maybe a little bit more - i have only been working 9-14 hrs per week - and that's not cutting it anymore - i hope that something will come up soon...

i fell out of the church... not just the church but spiritual practice as a whole... i decided that i really can't be a 'good' catholic in this life or the next... i can't stand all the hypocrisy... there are still some things that i believe in - but i will expand on that at a later date...

i've been researching what i call 'alternative' spirituality - and so far it feels good to me...

i'm just keeping a low profile after all this has happened... it can be depressing to think that i once was a college student at a very good catholic college down to having to drop out due to funds and working part-time for 7.15 an hour with no college degree...

i've been exploring alternative education that i want to take up... i want to take photography or some sort of art... i'm still writing - and i will do that until the day i die - it's the best way i know how to express myself - that and through my photos and drawings - or just plain doodling...

it's been crazy... but some has been good and some bad... it will evolve and turn around someday - it has to... and i have faith in myself and my family for the first time in a long time - that things will be a-ok... that is very cliche' but its how i feel right now...

I was so happy today when I realized that the Public Library was holding their annual book fair, and I actually had off! I usually have to work, and this year for some unknown reason I have the day off to lounge and recover from my cold (which is fortunate for me).

I didn't think that I would find much, but I ended up finding a lot. I didn't even browse the Fiction section... hmmm I guess that means I'm growing up a little bit after all... lol.

Seeing as though I am a Theology and English major I decided to look for those kinds of books and I found quite a few. I'm sure that there were more, but I just didn't feel like crawling around on the floor looking in boxes. I found more Theology related books than anything, and I ended up spending eighteen dollars. I am so glad that I worked so darn much so I could spend some money on books this week!

What I found:

The Selected Letters of Lady Mary Wortley Montagu: I read quite a bit of Lady Mary Montagu in my 18th century class this past Spring. She was an amazing woman and writer, and I think that it will be fun to read more of what she wrote.

Cavalcade of the English Novel: This book chronicles some of the major English novelists. lt talks about their writing styles and some of their major works. It talks about: Defoe, Austen, Thackeray, Dickens, Conrad, Wells and others. I just thought this would be interesting to read too because it talks about the evolution of the novel as a genre itself.

The Holy Bible: New Revised Standard Version: Yes, I bought yet another version of the Scriptures. When I took the class on St's Paul and John, Father Tom said that the NRSV was a version used within the scholarly community. I figured that not only will it be great for me personally, but spiritually as well. (Like I said, I'm a nerd).

God's Fool - The Life and Times of Francis of Assisi: I bought this book because I am just now learning about the Saints, and I've been wanting to learn about St. Francis. I love the prayer of St. Francis, it is utterly beautiful, he founded his own order of friars - much is credited to him in the Church. I'm kind of excited to start this one!

Testament - The Bible and History: This book talks about the Bible and history as its title suggests. This books talks about the circumstances regarding the selection of the New Testament canon, as well as many other themes. It also talks about various contextual elements (i.e. historical elements otherwise not known unless you study the time period).

The World Bible Handbook: This book is more technical in nature. This book reads more like a Biblical commentary. It seems slightly more academic in nature than I am used to, but if I am to study Biblical Studies as a graduate student, then I better get crackin'!

Notes on the New Testament - Explanatory and Practical: This book is much like the former, except it only offers criticism of the NT.

A Conservative Introduction to the New Testament: This book is a very comprehensive introduction to the New Testament. This book is going to be uber helpful, because it goes into great detail describing various historical elements as well as some passages.

The Ten Commandments: This book is a look at the Ten Commandments, but not merely a Biblical look at them. This book takes stories written by various authors and tries to help you understand how to live the Commandments in everyday life.

Text and Texture - Close Readings of Selected Biblical Texts: This book talks about how to interpret Scripture in a very technical way. This book only details the Old Testament, but will be very valuable because it will give me the basic tools of interpretations.

The Acts of the Apostles: This book details the Acts of the Apostles in a Biblical commentary sort of fashion. It's a tiny book, but I'm sure that I'll get quite a bit out of it!

All of these books are going into my already crowded bookcases. I haven't the faintest idea on where to put them! I am always adding books to the collection, but they will just end up on the floor anyhow.

I just imagine one day when I'm a professor at some university or college that I'll have all of these books that I've collected all over the floor, with papers galore, with no place for students to sit! At least the books wouldn't be all over my house!

It appears that I have caught yet another cold. I thought at first that it was just allergies acting up, but I doubt that after a week of not feeling better with allergy medicine. I started with this really stuffy feeling, then a sore throat, then it evolved into a bad headache, sweating and a feeling of almost faintness.

I was at work yesterday and I was at my register and my throat felt so dry that I just had to get some water. Of course our fountain is still broken, so we had no water downstairs. I really needed a drink of water, so my friend downstairs who was the CSM as well told me that it was cool to go and get money to buy a water.

I finally got my water and that really didn't help. I thought then it would be better to just call the doctor's office and see if they could fit me in. They could, but I had to leave work. I didn't really have to leave work, but I was sweating profusely, and my throat was killing me. I could tell what side was up, so I just said that my appointment was in a few minutes (not right to do, I know but I did it anyway).

He (the doc) says that I have an upper respitory infection. That's the same thing that I had before, but it took forever to go away. I hope that it doesn't this time! I certainly don't want to be sick the whole summer! It's apparent to me now that I'm whining like a five year old, so on to brighter news!!!

My mom started her training at Wal-Mart today, and I think that it will definately go better than it did at Weis potato chips. She seemed calmer when she left for her training this morning, so I think that this will be good.

I look at myself and I realize that I have a long ways to go spiritually speaking. I see my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ kneeling before Mass praying their hearts and souls out to God, and sometimes I don't even know what to say to Him. Is it totally wrong to get jealous of someone else's ability to pray better than me? I think it is.

As the Scriptures say the Holy Spirit will help you ask God for what you don't know what to ask God for. I used to ask the Holy Spirit for help in prayer all the time. I used to pray constantly before bed. I always knew what to say. I stopped praying for the help of the Holy Spirit, and my prayer life is drastically decreasing.

I look at other people and see how truly devoted to God they are. Don't get me wrong, I am devoted to God - but not as much as I maybe should be. Sometimes when I have interior struggles, I don't turn to God automatically as I should, I try to fix the problem myself - which I know isn't the right way to go about doing things.

I go to Confession and confess my sins. That Sacrament is incredibly healing. Those sins that are weighing down on my heart are something that I need to get off of my chest periodically, and what a great vessle God has given us to do so!

I try to talk to God as much as I can. God and my family, and school are the most important things to me in this point of my life - and I hope that it continues to be that way. I just have to realize that I'm not perfect, and that I am always growing in His love. As I have said before - I am a work in progress.

Before finding faith in the Catholic Church I considered myself to be an Atheist, I now think that it was a little bit dramatic on my part. I didn't know anything about religion at all and just had this overwhelming feeling of doubt. I now think that maybe I was just Agnostic all along.

I mention that because I went to buy my books for my Summer course and there was a section on suffering. That was always a question that was inside of my head. If there was this all powerful God in the world, why would He allow everyone to suffer such great losses and terrible defeats? I always wondered about disease and natural disasters and what that meant for the world, and why God would do such a thing - that is if He even existed. I have since come to a somewhat understanding of those questions that I had before I came to faith.

In the book, "Christian Foundations: An Introduction to Faith in Our Time," it offers an explanation of suffering that I wish I would have read years ago. In the section it talks about the book of Job. Job is a perfect example of the seemingly 'perfect' world gone wrong. He has everything, then eventually nothing. Job towards the middle of the book begins to question God as he has been influenced by his friends to believe that God is punishing him for sin. The book reaches its climax when God speaks to Job... He doesn't answer his questions about suffering but instead poses a series of questions that one couldn't possibly answer...

Where were you when I laid the Earth's foundations? / Tell me, since you are so well informed. / Who decided the dimensions of it, do you know? (38:4)

Have you ever in your life given orders to the morning or sent the dawn to its post? (38:12)

Have you journeyed all the way to the sources of the sea, or walked where the abyss is deepest? (38:16)

Then it seems that with these comments God has given Job the proverbial slap in the face. He is telling Job in many words that he is in way over his head, into something that he will never understand. Job admits that he doesn't understand and he becomes comforted. He understands "that suffering does not negate God's goodness or the value of life."

I wish that I would have realized that long before I came to the Church. It seems like such a simple conclusion: God is still good and there even when we are intensely suffering. He is with us I think even moreso than at any other time. Christ came into this world and suffered as a human (although he had a divine nature), so we could identify with Him. He cried, we cry. He was betrayed, we are betrayed sometimes as well. I could go on and on, but I just want to say that the Lord always understands and He is with us when we suffer. He isn't some sadist sitting up in a cloud watching over us waiting for us to slip up to punish us again. He is there to watch us, to care for us, and lead us to the right path when we fall.

I don't know if that makes any sense but that is what is going on in my head right now...

This was a paper that I wrote for a class entitled "Spiritual Autobiography" in which we had to write a detailed account of our spiritual journey... and I felt like sharing...

*For as long as I can remember Ive had the desire to learn. When I was a child my mom would read to me all the time. I would pick up books constantly and hand them to her. I remember being a big fan of Green Eggs and Ham. As Ive grown up my tastes in literature have obviously changed: Ive grown in admiration for the classics such as Charlotte Bronte as well as the not so classics like Stephen King. Things changed for a few years when I put down the books and my desire for learning really came to almost a complete halt. I sunk into a deep depression in which nothing made me happy, not even the deepest fantasyland of my favorite novel. It was then that I began to question why I existed at all. It is then that I decided to take my life. It was then that my life changed forever.

Ever since I was young there was this one book in my room that I was always curious about but never quite understood: The Bible. I had one of those Precious Moments Bibles that every kid seems to have when they are little. Every once in awhile Id read through the Genesis accounts, not necessarily understanding the profound nature of what I was reading. I never really asked about my Bible and what it meant. I knew that it was an important book because we went to this big building a couple of times that I later learned was called a Church and we read from it. I never really had much interest in it. My mom always looked bored and so was I, and we never really went after that.

When I was around fifteen years old I started to slowly become depressed. Nothing interested me anymore. I couldnt even find a release in my favorite novel. I didnt have a desire to learn anymore. I didnt feel like I belonged anywhere. My friends and I were growing apart, and I just didnt feel like anything was right. I couldnt focus on anything, and eventually I gave up. One night when I was nineteen, I let all of my insecurities fester inside of my mind and I did the unthinkable I swallowed enough pills to kill myself.

Luckily I was smart enough to go and wake my mom up so she could take me to the hospital. I spent many days in a psychiatric clinic to try to figure out what it exactly was that was bothering me. I lied to my doctors and unfortunately my mom just so I could leave. I went to that psychiatric clinic many more times that summer, was involved in many group therapy sessions, but nothing seemed to help. I was diagnosed eventually as having Borderline Personality Disorder with symptoms of Manic-Depression.

One day while I was lying on my bed in the afternoon, I looked upon my Bible again. I still was feeling rather depressed so every passage that I opened seemed to require this leap of faith that I wasnt ready to make. I came across the twenty third Psalm, a Psalm that is very comforting in times of distress and times of grief; I just passed it off as escapism for not being able to handle the problems of the real world. I saw religion as something that was just there to ease your mind but not there to help you with your problems. I heard of many stories of corrupt church leaders and even of local pastors and youth group organizers and I thought that I couldnt be a part of something that was supposed to be emphasizing the love that the Bible emphasized it just seemed too hypocritical. I started to look into other religious beliefs, because I thought that maybe it would make me happy.

I began to get excited about finding a religion. I dont know what brought me to that assumption, but it brought the light back into my eyes. I started to look into Buddhism and that idea appealed to me. It appealed to me because there wasnt a Bible, and there wasnt a specific moral code. You treated people the way you wanted to be treated; it didnt feel like a religious institution with a watchdog sort of God looking over you at all times. It seemed like everyone that I talked to about God spoke of a watchdog, God. That God was always watching you, always judging you. I was already judging myself enough, I didnt need that. I didnt realize the power of that God. The quest for truth in Buddhism didnt pan out as I had hoped it would. I was just searching the books for information not for anything that could bring forth truth or happiness. I didnt realize then that I had to make myself happy, not make other things do it for me.

I decided one day to tell my mom that I doubted the presence of God. I chickened out and decided to leave my mom a note for when she came home from work. That was the favorite mode of communication between my mom and me during that time we rarely talked face to face. I will never forget that day. She came running up the stairs to my room. Her face was streaming with tears. She told me that she thought that I was wrong and that I need to talk to a pastor or a priest or something. In all the times that we have fought, I have never seen such a hurt look in her face. That hurt that I saw emanating from her came through to me and it made me think, I wonder if this God really does exist?

A few weeks later, my first day of classes at Kings were coming up. My first class of the day was Christian Marriage. I did not want to study Theology at all. As the class progressed I began to want to go to class more and more. He spoke of Gods love in a profound way. He said that nothing you could do could separate you from God no matter what you did. This was a great statement for me considering that I had tried to take away the very life that He had given me; why would he forgive me? He spoke of the passage God is Love, and it amazed me that someone/things very nature could be such loving kindness, compassion and true spiritual love, and that inspired me to learn more. I wanted to crack open books again, I had a fire inside of me again for knowledge; I felt the best I had in a long time.

I sent Fr. Tom an e-mail to talk to him about some spiritual questions that I had spinning around in my head. He had such a calming presence and approachability, but it still felt weird requesting time to speak about things other than classroom things. I went anyway, with a list of questions a mile long.

When I went to see him, my stomach was jumping all over the place. I felt calm around him, but it still felt strange. I felt that I might ask him some stupid questions. I asked him questions about what the Eucharist was and what the Sacraments were. He assured me that there were no stupid questions and that we are all growing in faith and have different questions at different points in our lives. He told me what the Catholic Church taught on many things as well as various other denominations which was nice because it gave me all kinds of perspectives.

He talked to me like I was an adult. I felt like I was asking ridiculous questions, but he treated them as if he were talking to me as a less informed equal. I respect him for that.

I went and talked with him many times about everything under the sun. He shared in my excitement when I was baptized at a Bible Chapel. He understood when I decided to join the Catholic Church. He has taught me many things, and has been a great motivator to seek out God. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Before I had decided to join the Catholic Church I decided to attend a Bible Chapel that was near my house. My grandmother had taken me there when I was a child and I guess that I just wanted to see what it was like again. I liked it there at first. Everyone was very welcoming. I stuck out like a sore thumb on my first visit there. A bunch of people said hello to me after I sat down. After the sermon, which was on the love of God, they had a meeting for new members, and I decided to go. I got hugs from some of the members and I felt so welcomed there that it was almost a surreal feeling.

I continued to go there for a few months. During that time I was learning about the Eucharist and Reconciliation and the history of those Sacraments in the history of the Church. When we spoke of the Eucharist being the true body and blood of Christ within the bread and wine it seemed to make more sense to me. At the Bible Chapel that I attended communion was an important event that only happened once a month. The pastor was a very faithful man who read from the Scripture about the institution of the Eucharist, and then the wafers and grape juice were passed around the Church. After learning so much about the Eucharist and Christ in general I felt that the celebration of communion should be more than once a month, and it should be given more reverence. I respect the way in which they practice the celebration of communion, but I wanted more.

I had also learned about Reconciliation in my classes and the idea of confessing your sins to a person who would then give them to God was something that seemed logical to me. I wanted to be able to go to my pastor and tell him what was going on with me and the struggles with sin that I was having. With that Chapel I didnt have that. I had to make a special appointment time and even then sometimes he had to cancel and couldnt talk to me because the Chapel had grown so large. I remember going to talk to the pastor feeling so nervous that I wanted to leave. I felt that there should be scheduled times in which you should be able to go and talk to your pastor about what was going on and what you were struggling with as well as he should have time to talk with someone about his personal struggles. I got baptized at that Chapel but I felt like I wanted more.

Through my classes at Kings, separate readings on my own and those meetings with Fr. Tom, I had decided to join the Catholic Church. At that point it was more of an intellectual endeavor than spiritual. I liked the fact that everything was organized into nice little compartments. I mean that if you had a question you could go to the Catechism, a papal encyclical or just talk to your priest, because they all seem to have a good answer. If you had a question about sexual ethics you could go to Humanae Vitae and learn all about it. I didnt have much of a prayer life; I knew that I should be praying more. It was an important decision that I was making, something that I was doing for the rest of my life I shouldve been asking God for His help but I wasnt, I was still looking towards books.

The time came to register for the RCIA last September and I had some moments of self-doubt. I wondered if I was converting for the right reasons. I had been enflamed with this desire to learn about Church history and the Sacraments and reading the Saints, and it just felt more academic than spiritual. Every time that I would go to Mass father would tap me on the shoulder and say, have you signed up yet? Every time he would ask me that he would have a giant smile on his face. He knew that I really wanted to be there, I just needed a little motivation. He announced that there would be Eucharistic adoration for three consecutive days. I didnt really know what that was going to be like, so I went anyway.

When I walked in that night, I knew that something inside of me was going to change drastically. I just felt this presence around me and that felt incredibly comforting. I sat down in the pew and looked up at this thing on the altar. I knew from Mass that it was called a monstrance and that it contained the Lord, but I had no idea that it would be so beautiful. I didnt know what to do with myself. I just sat there for a few minutes and stared at this beautiful object in front of me.

After a few minutes I put the kneeler down and began to pray to God. I began to ask God to help me to understand what I was seeing. Then all of a sudden, I got the chills and began to tear up. It was a warm feeling that had come over my body. It was as if I had Gods hand on my shoulder telling me Its okay Im here this is where you belong.

A few weeks later at Mass, I sat down on the pew feeling kind of indifferent. I didnt really think that I really understood the incredible sacrifice of the Eucharist. When it came time for Father to read the Eucharistic prayer, I really buckled down and tried to concentrate on what he was saying. He invoked the power of God over the gifts, over the sacrifice that we were offering to God. It didnt make sense to me; what sacrifice were we giving to God? Then he said let your Spirit come upon these gifts and make them Holy, so that they may be come the body and blood of your Son. Right then, for the first time it occurred to me that we were offering God his own Son! How could I have not realized that before? I felt stupid and enlightened at the same time. I understood then what we were doing, and what this sacrifice really meant. I closed my eyes and kneeled there even more intently, and he said, this is Jesus the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the World. When he said this is Jesus, that was the first time I really felt an understanding as to why I wanted to join the Catholic Church because Jesus really is present in those gifts.

As time moved on in the RCIA it was time to go to Harrisburg and meet the Bishop for the Rite of Election and Call to Continuing Conversion. During the ceremony he welcomed us into the Church as a whole. We were called individually by parish up into the sanctuary and when we were all there he said a few prayers and then we were officially accepted, as candidates in the Church. While he was addressing us he had such a gleam in his eye. He addressed us as if he was genuinely happy for us. He wanted us to be there.

When I came back from the sanctuary and sat down with my mom again, she was tearing up. I hugged her, and I said to her, this just feels so right, and it did. This ceremony made me feel like I had found another home in which I could lie my head.

When it was time to shake his hand, again I was nervous. He told me that he was happy for me and congratulated me on coming through the RCIA. He looked genuinely happy that people like me and others were so excited about our new faith. I asked him to take a picture with me, and he obliged. He put his arm around me and smiled. My mom took the picture and he shook my hand again and said, God bless you, with a giant smile on his face.

Later that week I wrote him a letter just telling him of my experiences and that the ceremony was beautiful and it cemented the fact that I was really joining the Church. I didnt expect a letter back, nor did I need one back I just wanted to express my gratitude. He wrote me back about a week later telling me that my reflections touched his heart and that he couldnt wait for me to experience my first Eucharist. He wished me luck in everything that I did.

Finally the time was approaching for the Vigil Mass and my reception into the Church. I felt so excited that I could finally receive the Eucharist. The RCIA was a great experience with four wonderful women but this was it; full completion, finally!

Palm Sunday was a unique ex perience. It was interesting because we renewed our baptismal vows. We rededicated ourselves to God. That moment felt incredible because of what I was promising to myself, the community, and the Church as a whole.

That Tuesday of Holy Week there was a special service in which we nailed pieces of wood to the cross. It felt odd because I could almost picture Him there when I returned to my pew. I closed my eyes and just listened to the pounding in of the nails it was eerie. That was the same noise that everyone heard on the day that he was crucified. It made that fact come alive in a way that I will never forget.

Holy Thursday I didnt go to my parish; I wanted to spend that night with my mom at her chapel. It was called a service of remembrance. There was a beautiful hymn at the beginning of the service that was sung in Latin, which sounded very ancient but also so enchanting. The woman who sang it explained it in full detail, and we all just seemed to close our eyes and listen. We sang more hymns and then there was a communion service, with a few readings from the Bible and reflections on what would be happening in the impending hours if we were in the time of Jesus. My mom and I stayed and watched The Passion, which was a great experience. That movie is incredibly difficult for me to watch, but at the same time, I feel as though I need to to remind myself of what really happened to Him. I cry every time when they are beating Him, and it makes me physically hurt. It was different than hearing the nails go down into the wood in a sense that now you are having to see the blood and the pain in the eyes of eye of the man who died for our sins. Seeing that movie was a great experience to have with my mom.

On Good Friday I was fortunate enough to be able to go to the service in the afternoon. The program that they handed me when I walked in said something about veneration of the cross, and I didnt know what that meant. Father slowly unveiled the cross that was covered in the purple cloth and we simply went up and kissed the cross. It was beautiful because it was showing respect for the sacrifice that was made. It was at that moment that I realized my love for God had grown even further. I knew that my love had grown because I just went up there; I didnt care what anyone else was doing. I looked at the cross, kneeled before it, kissed it and said thank you, in my head at least. I walked out of my parish feeling like I finally belonged somewhere. Even though I didnt know many people there that well, we all had one thing in common: we have an unimaginable and sometimes unexplainable love for Christ.

I woke up on Holy Saturday with a feeling of utter excitement and somewhat nausea. I knew that I had to be at the church for ten a.m. for practice. I also knew that I had to offer my first confession and I think that is what made me nauseous. I think that I was so nervous because I had done so many things in the past that I didnt know what to talk to him about. Father told us that we shouldnt worry, because he wasnt there to judge us he was there to listen to what we had to say. I told him what I could remember, and when I walked out of there I felt like a brand new person. He told me to take life one day at a time, which seems like simple advice, but sometimes that too can be difficult. I was ready to receive the Eucharist that night.

Walking into the church that night I felt nervous and excited that seemed to be the theme of the night for everyone. It came time for the Eucharistic Prayer, and I kneeled on the pew with my mom, my sponsor and my friend, and we all prayed together. It was a nice feeling because not too often can you actually pray with someone. It came time to go up and receive, and my heart was jumping and my stomach was rolling all over the place. It felt so right to receive on that special night.

When the Vigil was over all of us that were in the RCIA walked out with Father and stood out in the vestibule for people to greet us. He hugged us individually and said, Welcome Home. The Church does feel like a home to me. We greeted everyone, and everyone had the largest smiles on their faces and congratulated us. A lot of people told us that we wouldnt regret our choice, and I firmly believe in that statement.

Ever since that day I have just had this desire to be closer to God more and more each day. I attend Mass as often as I can. This great sacrifice of God resonates in my heart like nothing else ever has. I feel incredibly selfish for those times of doubt. I feel awful for those times when I doubted the love of God. I understand that God has forgiven me. I am not complete. I yearn for a greater understanding of God, and I am slowly attaining this through prayer and study. As my priest says, take it one day at a time. My desire to learn has taken me from one of the darkest points of my life, to spiritual light.*

The other day while I was in the car coming home from Geisinger with my mom (who was on a job interview for the food service department), I had a mini revelation.

My mom asked me a long time ago what the Rosary was all about, and I still wasn't sure, so I didn't give her a full explanation (I didn't even have one). I have been thinking for a long time about who Mary really is, and praying about that whenever I can.

I have read many times that Jesus never refused Mary. So when we pray the Rosary or ask Mary for our help, her intercession. She gives our prayers to Jesus. When we say the Hail Mary we are praising both Mary and Jesus. It's not worshipping Mary at all, its praising her and God at the same time. Its recognizing the fact that Mary is the mother of God and deserves reverence. That's right I said it... deserves reverence. By reverence I don't mean worshipping her like Christ, but realizing on a very simple level that without her saying "yes" to God, Jesus would never have existed. I think that is a powerful message.

I told my mom all of these things on a random note because I remembered her asking me about Mary before. She is constantly being told at her church that Catholics worship Mary. I wanted her to understand what I feel is the truth. I was telling her about what I've come to understand and she was getting goosebumps, as was I. She understood what I meant, and I realized something at that moment: All this time I was worrying about my devotion to Mary and if I was sincere or not, but now I know that it was always there and that I really do love Mary.

What a day that turned out to be!!

As my title suggests... I've got bragging rights today! I brought up my grades on Web Advisor and my GPA is a 3.792... AWESOME!!! That is the best that I have ever done!

All that I can seem to think about is this idea of a religious vocation. I talked to my friend in the campus ministry and talked to me about everything under that sun about religious life. He asked me why I wanted to be a religious. I told him that it was what I desired because I wanted to grow closer to God. That is the truth, which is all that I really desire. Professionally I would seek to continue my college education and be a professor of religious studies in the future, just to pass on the Gospel message.

He talked with me about the vows, and he asked me what I thought of each of them. He asked me first what I thought about the vow of poverty. I told him that I thought it meant not really having any property of your own, but sharing what you earn with the community. He told me that was pretty much it, and told me that it was pretty much like a community pot of sorts. Even if I was the administrator at a college somewhere bringing home $120,000 all of that money would go into the community pot, no matter if the others were earning the same amount of money or not. He asked me if I had a problem with that, and I told him that I was always told that the reason for having a career/job/vocation wasnt for the money, it was for what you could do for others.

He asked me about celibacy and what I thought that entailed. We both agreed that it was more than just taking a vow of no sex. He told me that its about cultivating meaningful relationships without having that sexual barrier between you and the other person. In a sense, it helps you to solely focus on God and not worry about your material desires. Im not saying that from time to time I wouldnt have the occasional crop up of oh hes gorgeous, but its just a matter of how you deal with it. Its also a matter of having those meaningful relationships to help you through those difficult times.

Finally we talked about obedience. I really hadnt thought about what obedience entailed, so I asked him to please explain to me what he meant. He told me that sometimes you had to requisition money even if you needed a new coat, and if they didnt have the money you had to listen to your superior and go without. He said before Vatican II that you would just get an envelope and they would send you somewhere and you would have to go. I told him that I thought it would definitely be an adjustment to say the very least. I really dont have too many issues with authority, only corrupt authority. He told me that just because you take a vow of obedience it doesnt mean that you should be doormat either, and that I agree with either.

He told me that just from our few conversations that he thinks that I would do well in a religious community. He told me that some people go into religious communities to hide, and some to truly serve. He said that a religious community is a good place to hide, if you just want to get away from the pressures of society at large. He told me that you could lead a pretty comfortable life.

I wouldnt be entering a religious community to hide. I would part of a religious community to better serve God. I would be better equipped to truly focus on God and not worry about all of the external factors that sometimes are around me. He gave me a lot of good questions to mull over this summer. I thought about going to some of the monasteries around the area to just see what they are like. I figure that it would be a good way to learn and really experience what religious life is really like. I think that it would help me discern in a very real way what my calling is or at least give me a start.

Im not very proud of myself these past few days. I had a bit of an issue with myself and when I should have offered it up to God in prayer; I decided to rely on myself and outside sources. I shut God out. God is my strength when I am down and feeling lost and confused. Why did I just let Him fade into the background?

I havent been the most prayerful person even since my conversion. Before I decided to convert to the Church I was all about prayer, and talking to God everyday. I wanted God to know that I was repentant, and that I truly wanted Him at my side forever.

I must have slid back into some sort of mild depression, because I stopped feeling the need to pray. I stopped thinking that God was the center reality in which I needed to focus my life. I subconsciously began to think only about what I wanted, and not about what God wanted for me.

I havent prayed my Rosary very often, in fact I think maybe a total of four times. I fall asleep with my Rosary in my hand, looking at a crucifix on my wall. It is what calms me, what helps me drift off to sleep.

I am slowly finding myself praying more before I go to bed. I find myself wanting to read Scripture more and more, but just not having the initiative to do so. I find myself wanting to pray more. I find myself wanting to just learn more about Christs Church. I think that God is giving me the proverbial shove to get my butt moving in the right direction. I need to listen to Him.

I feel subtle changes in myself lately. I used to not mind graphic nudity/sexual references/sex scenes in movies, but now I can't seem to stand to see that in a movie. Yesterday my mom and I rented Hostel which I thought was supposed to be a pretty good horror movie. The first forty minutes or so were basically this group of guys going around trying and successfully getting laid. In this one house that they stayed out the women just walked around half naked the entire time. If I wanted to watch that, I'd just turn on Cinemax.

I went to see Scary Movie 4 the other week which actually made fun of that Millon Dollar Baby movie - which is based on true events. I was completely disgusted in what I saw. I doubt that anyone that knew the real life woman would want their daughter 'satirized' in such a way. I didn't even stay for the whole film, I left after that scene was over.

I rarely watch TV anymore because most shows revolve around sexual themes totally misrepresent what a relationship should be like. I'd rather watch some of my favorite movies. What is going on here?

I've been thinking these past few days about my past relationships, or rather the lack thereof. I've been thinking that maybe I've been using this idea of being a nun as an escapism because I'm disappointed in my lack of a love life. I guess that gives me something else to think about. I'm going to hold off on the nun stuff until I figure out for sure what I really want. I really think that deep down I want a relationship, I just haven't been able to find the right person yet.

So this is a good revelation and a bad one. It explains why my head has been spinning in so many directions lately regarding my future choices. I guess that I am just going to let my faith mature, and see what happens.

Do I really want to get married? That is the question that has been going through my head for the longest time. I know that I dont want just an empty ended relationship in which there is no marriage. I know that if I am meant to be married that I would want it to last. I know that sounds a little stupid, well maybe not stupid but obvious (who wouldnt want a marriage to last).

It just bothers me all of the people out there that hop around from bed to bed without a care; like its just a part of life. I just dont understand why they would want to disrespect their bodies for a few minutes of passion. Some people think that it means that they are in charge of their bodies and that sex makes them powerful, and I just dont get that. All it seems to do is make you seem desperate.

If I am meant to be married I personally believe that I want to wait until I am married. I dont care how long I have to wait. If I never have sex that will be alright, because there are other things in this world that have more meaning than sex. I have often thought that what I think of marriage and sex is quite the contradiction to what it was months ago and it is.

I used to not care about sex. I used to think that it would be okay to have multiple partners. I even talked to this one guy via Yahoo Messenger and had various lewd conversations with him. After about two months of chatting with him, he drove down from Allentown and met me near K-Mart. The intentions were most definitely sex. I kissed him and that was it. For some reason I stopped, and I thank God for that everyday.

I talked to many men online like I did with that guy. I dont know what was going on inside of my head, but for some reason I couldnt see the value of human beings as an equal partnership. I wanted what I wanted and that was it. I regret everyday that I didnt see the value of other people. They didnt really see the value of me either, always looking for sex, but I cant say that I blame them because thats what I was after too. It was sort of ironic, they knew my pretenses but I couldnt stand it when they didnt respect me.

So now I am very confused. I have been feeling this incredible pull towards God and the Eucharist and I had that dream about being a nun. I feel like a hypocrite though. I keep thinking that it is just my past, and if I keep living in it, I will die feeling that same way. If I feel that my mission in life is to come closer and closer to God through living in community with a group of religious Sisters, then I just have to give up all of those issues to God. I have to be able to let it go. Overall I think the answer to my question is no. I think that marriage is a very beautiful thing, but not for me.

I revised my spiritual autobiography finally and I think that I did alright with it. I sent it in for review again and I guess I'll find out then how well I did. I wrote about everything. In the first draft I held a lot back, but they told me that I shouldn't and I thought that they were right. I mean what am I hiding from? I'm just a neurotic mess when it comes to turning in term papers, and they have been so nice about reading drafts. Who knows if they'll have time to read it again, but I hope that they do.

I'm sitting here working on my paper for my 18th century class and I am totally perplexed as to where to go with it. I have a concept in my mind and I just can't seem to get it into concrete words. Maybe if I stare at the screen long enough I'll figure it out!

Later today, well two hours from now is Sunday Mass. It's a little later today because its one of those 100th anniversary celebration event things. The priest that was there before is celebrating his 50 years of being a priest and I think that is just awesome! There is a dinner afterwards which will be nice because I'll get to meet some more people that go there and make some more friends there. I really don't know anyone there, so it'll be good I think.

I was looking online last night and I found some information on things called Secular Institutes. This seems like a viable option for me. They are basically organizations for single men and women that profess the vows of chastity, poverty and obedience. They live in the secular world, rather than inside of the walls of an abbey. They can maintain their own job in the secular world, but at the same time serve at an apostalate of their choosing.

This seems perfect to me. I really don't want to live in a convent. I really don't think that I could do that. I sent a priest on campus, whom I've corresponded with before an e-mail about them and he gave me some good information. I just wish that all of this would become more clear.

Yesterday I went to confession again. I had some things that I wanted to talk about. I am such a goof ball. When I was supposed to say the Act of Contrition, I messed up the first few words and laughed a little. When I get nervous, I get self conscious, and I tend to laugh. I just hope that he knows that I was sincere, and that he understands. When was leaving, I told him that I didn't see what the big deal was about Confession, I didn't see anything so bad about it, and he told me that some people did (which I understand).

This whole nun thing is still in my head. I see all of these children at work and on some levels I keep thinking that it would be nice to have a family. On some levels I think that it would be great to have that family with the kids and the dog and the husband and the white picket fence around the house. On another level I look at my life and realize that I feel this strong pull to God. I have all these distractions in my life and I just want to be focused on God, and his plan for me and for the world.

I want to continue my college education. I want to learn as much theology as possible. I think that maybe I should go and talk to my priest about all of this that is going on in my head. My mom seems to be okay with it if I decided to choose the religious life. I just need to pray about this more to help discern my vocation.

Something different has been happening to me lately. Ever since I have been able to receive the Eucharist, my whole worldview has changed. I understand that change is a constant thing in life, but it felt like changes happened over night.

My views on the value of human life changed. My views on sexuality changed a great deal. My wanting to pray has increased. My desire to go to Mass has increased. I want to receive the Lord in the Eucharist as often as possible. Even my taste in music, television and movies has changed.

Am I weird?

As far as the dream goes that I had about being a nun, I actually started looking up information about what kind of time and preparation it took to be accepted into a community. First of all I have to be a practicing Catholic in good status for three years, so if I'd decided to do this I'll have to wait for awhile. Secondly the whole formation process can take up to seven years. The community itself has to figure out if you are genuine or not in your discernment to the religious life.

I also have had dreams where I was married and had a rather large family. I had a loving husband and an adoring family. I know that is an idealistic way to look at life, but who doesn't want the best? My mind still keeps coming back to full devotion to Christ.

My prayer life is slim, and sometimes to none. I ask for things more than I praise God for his goodness. I feel like I am ungrateful to God for all that He has given me. At the same time I think that I am still learning what it means to be a Catholic Christian and prayer will come with time. I didn't have a prayer life at all before I decided to attend a church period. I don't know how to come to God in prayer which seems odd, I know. I just pray that the Holy Spirit will help me to learn to ask for what I need, and also for what I do not know that I need yet.

I wouldn't want to enter a convent just so I could improve my prayer life or something like that. I would enter a monastery so I could be closer to God without distraction. I know that it wouldn't be perfect harmony, but that is where my mind has been leading me lately. I feel like God is calling me to a closer relationship to Himself, even closer than before. I just don't know what to do.

Well I officially finished the draft for my spiritual autobiography class. Now it is in their hands to review, so I can revise it for finals week. All I have left is to finish these gigantic papers for Bib seminar and 18th century Lit.

I'm just writing my introductory paragraphs for my Paul and John paper, and I'm realizing how much I love this stuff. I mean we are talking about the formation of the early churches - that to me is fascinating.

For my Lit paper, I've chosen to talk about conceptions of beauty in the 18th Century through the pieces "the Rape of the Lock," and "the Lady's Dressing Room." I think this one will be fun, because I am going to try and compare and contrast the conceptions in the 18th century to what we currently have.

Back to work I suppose... :)

Well I officially consider myself to belong to the nerd academy - wherever that may be. I am doing this research project on Paul and John and I am just fascinated with the detail and all of the knowledge that I am obtaining from this foray into Scripture.

I love the research process. During the last few weeks though I have been such a putz, I have done lots of research but haven't really read over any of it. I know - smart cookie, eh?

Oh and yeah yesterday was the honors convocation. I officially have Greek letters to add to my college carrer now. It's very exciting! :) I now belong to Theta Alpha Kappa (TAK). It is the national honor society for theology and religious studies students. It is such an accomplishment, because of all of the hard work that I and my fellow classmates have put into our work all throughout our time at King's.