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Some Complications..

Why do I have to be bi? Why can't I be straight? If there is a God why would she/he have me suffer with trying to figure things out and other things like my bipolar condition? I am just so very tired of being 'different!' I want to be so very normal - but I can't be - I have to be difficult!

Being bi isn't a bad thing - yet I am stuck on it and I don't know why. I think its because I'm afraid that people will reject me or discriminate against me...

And I'm afraid to tell the other side of the family out of either fear or fear of bigotry will be their answer. I'm just so tired of being able to not be myself out of fear/embarrassment.

I don't know why I'm embarrassed about it anyway, b/c being bi isn't wrong its just a small part of me that will make up a large part of my future.

My gay-'ness' so to speak shouldn't be something to be embarrassed about. I am normal I'm just like everyone else - except I like women just a tad more than men. I am pretty sure that everyone else (like me) just wants to be loved.

There is such a stigma about gay people that I don't understand. We are like everyone else and have personality flaws, physical imperfections among other things - I just don't get what the whole thing is! Why is there so much hate?

Sometimes - well in the past few days I have been wondering whether I should've done it b/c it feels like a giant burden was lifted from my shoulders - but at the same time a new burden came along. Living 'out' is going to be difficult. I have to live with the negative opinions and feelings of bigotry of a lot of people for the rest of my life. It's going to SUCK!!!

Sorry.. this was just a rant that I posted last night in my journal that I thought I would share...

Christmas Spirit???

I'm not much of a Catholic anymore. I've been in a funk about religion for the past couple of years and didn't want to admit it. I've considered myself at least Agnostic for the past couple of months. But Christmas is coming... and when Christmas is coming, I tend to go back to my religious background. I don't know why either.

I tend to become 'religious' when a holiday is nearing. I tend to get the 'guilty' feeling around Easter and have to go for a confession on Good Friday, and sometimes Christmas. I don't know how to explain it to myself anymore, but Christmas is my favorite holiday.

I get excited to put up the tree and decorate the house with the ridiculous holiday stuffed animals that sing and dance. They bring a smile to my face for some reason. I guess that Christmas feeling of love and acceptance is contagious. I'm like a kid I can't help it, when I see them decorating for the holidays in November, and everyone is bitching that it's too early, I'm quietly smiling thinking of how the holidays are approaching. Nothing brings out those holiday feelings like watching Christmas cartoons, like tonight when we watched 'Frosty the Snowman' and 'Frosty Returns.' Can't help it, it makes me happy.

And on to other things...

For the past couple of weeks I have been reading the 'Harry Potter' series and loving every bit of it. The more I read of it the more I wonder what so many people have against the series. I remember people complaining rampantly when the series first got published saying that it promoted Paganism, which I don't understand at all. They don't knock Christianity either, in fact they support it.... every kid has their own way of celebrating Christmas.. in every book... anyway enough about that. I am on 'Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince,' and I am very happily burning through these books at record speed even for me, I read the first two in less than a week.

Well, for my Christian friends, I hope you have a great Christmas and a Happy New Year...

Such a dork today!

First things first... HAPPY VETERANS DAY!!! Honor all those who have served today and everyday.

NERD ALERT!!!! Today I feel like such a dork. Last night I was watching 'Lord of the Rings,' and today I am reading things about 'Breaking Dawn part 1,' which I have early seating tickets to. I love them both! Although I do love both franchises, I think its okay to be a nerd/dork in this case. It gives me something to focus on instead of my regular boring life. lol

On another note, I don't have any health insurance. I filled out the forms and sent in my payment and for some reason my coverage hasn't started back up yet... I've called and called them and still I can't get through to them. I need my medicine, all three of them! I don't know what to do... I can't get through because today is veterans day and my doctors office is closed too! So no medicine until Monday. Hopefully they will fill my medications.

I've been looking at pictures online since I've gotten up, and found some silly ones, and I feel like sharing, hope you enjoy!







it's been awhile... again!


I haven't been on this site for quite some time. It usually feels really cathartic to sit down and write everything that's on my mind. So, I'm just going to summarize what this last year.

I'm still looking for work. I got offered a job at a Nursing Home and refused it because of my bad back. So I've been living off of a $500.00 paycheck for the past six months... and of course my family is helping me wherever they can.

My grandfather 'Dave' died in March. He was like a father to me for most of my life. It was hard to say goodbye. I still think of him from day to day. Little things will remind me of him. The room where he slept at night still has some of his things, and that's hard to see everyday, but one thing I've learned is that life will go on, with/without that special person in your life. I'll always miss him, just the degree of it will change over time.

I gained weight again because of the medication that the doctor put me on. I seem to have plateaued and I guess that is a good thing! I would really like to lose 100lbs.. I'm sure that if I could my whole body would feel better. So I'm going to try and start a diet before the holidays.

I am excited for the holidays, yet I'm not. We didn't celebrate last year, no tree and holiday decorations, and to be quite honest it was kind of gloomy - well we all were feeling quite gloomy considering my grandfathers illness. So, needless to say I am making my own Christmas wonderland in my bedroom... that way I have a piece of the holidays. :)

The medicines that the doctor put me on in the hospital seem to be doing the trick, the dosage had to be adjusted, but now all is all well. I still have my racing thoughts from time to time, but I've learned better techniques to help manage them. Hope to hear from you friends out there! Next post is going to be about politics or religion... not sure which one yet though... :)

Have a good day friends.... ;)

its been awhile

It's been awhile again since I've been on here.

I spent a bit of time in the hospital a few months ago. I'm doing much better now.

I still am having mild anxiety here and there but its been manageable.

I'm on a new set of medications, and they seem to be working just fine.

I'm still having a dream of finishing college, but I need to get this job thing in order. I need to find something permanent instead of this temporary nonsense.

I really wish that I would have been able to finish college - but that's in the past, and there isn't much that I can do about it now - except truck along and hope for the best.

I've missed writing on here - it used to be such a release to get the thoughts out of my head and onto the computer screen. It used to be helpful to write poems and things like that - but I haven't been in practice for some time now. I'll have to post the poems that I have written since my last time on this site.

Off to find a place to apply at! :) I hope to be employed by this time next week, we will see what happens! :)

a lot has happened

well a lot has happened since i posted in here last (almost three years ago)...

i ended up dropping out of college - i didn't really have a choice in the matter - i ran out of funding - and no one would give me a loan - and i couldn't really afford the tuition - which was roughly 40,000 a year....

i took a class to become a certified nursing assistant (CNA), because i needed to make money to pay my loans... i did it for a year and a half - and suffered burn-out and went back to working in retail...

i ended up in an 'interesting' relationship... i moved in with him and gave him all of me.. which was the wrong thing to do... i don't regret trying out the relationship - what i regret is that i didn't see things sooner than i did... too much heartache - but that old addage is true - better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all...

i now work at sears - i make minimum wage... i've been looking for better jobs that pay maybe a little bit more - i have only been working 9-14 hrs per week - and that's not cutting it anymore - i hope that something will come up soon...

i fell out of the church... not just the church but spiritual practice as a whole... i decided that i really can't be a 'good' catholic in this life or the next... i can't stand all the hypocrisy... there are still some things that i believe in - but i will expand on that at a later date...

i've been researching what i call 'alternative' spirituality - and so far it feels good to me...

i'm just keeping a low profile after all this has happened... it can be depressing to think that i once was a college student at a very good catholic college down to having to drop out due to funds and working part-time for 7.15 an hour with no college degree...

i've been exploring alternative education that i want to take up... i want to take photography or some sort of art... i'm still writing - and i will do that until the day i die - it's the best way i know how to express myself - that and through my photos and drawings - or just plain doodling...

it's been crazy... but some has been good and some bad... it will evolve and turn around someday - it has to... and i have faith in myself and my family for the first time in a long time - that things will be a-ok... that is very cliche' but its how i feel right now...



A book fair is a nerdy girl's dream....

I was so happy today when I realized that the Public Library was holding their annual book fair, and I actually had off! I usually have to work, and this year for some unknown reason I have the day off to lounge and recover from my cold (which is fortunate for me).

I didn't think that I would find much, but I ended up finding a lot. I didn't even browse the Fiction section... hmmm I guess that means I'm growing up a little bit after all... lol.

Seeing as though I am a Theology and English major I decided to look for those kinds of books and I found quite a few. I'm sure that there were more, but I just didn't feel like crawling around on the floor looking in boxes. I found more Theology related books than anything, and I ended up spending eighteen dollars. I am so glad that I worked so darn much so I could spend some money on books this week!

What I found:

The Selected Letters of Lady Mary Wortley Montagu: I read quite a bit of Lady Mary Montagu in my 18th century class this past Spring. She was an amazing woman and writer, and I think that it will be fun to read more of what she wrote.

Cavalcade of the English Novel: This book chronicles some of the major English novelists. lt talks about their writing styles and some of their major works. It talks about: Defoe, Austen, Thackeray, Dickens, Conrad, Wells and others. I just thought this would be interesting to read too because it talks about the evolution of the novel as a genre itself.

The Holy Bible: New Revised Standard Version: Yes, I bought yet another version of the Scriptures. When I took the class on St's Paul and John, Father Tom said that the NRSV was a version used within the scholarly community. I figured that not only will it be great for me personally, but spiritually as well. (Like I said, I'm a nerd).

God's Fool - The Life and Times of Francis of Assisi: I bought this book because I am just now learning about the Saints, and I've been wanting to learn about St. Francis. I love the prayer of St. Francis, it is utterly beautiful, he founded his own order of friars - much is credited to him in the Church. I'm kind of excited to start this one!

Testament - The Bible and History: This book talks about the Bible and history as its title suggests. This books talks about the circumstances regarding the selection of the New Testament canon, as well as many other themes. It also talks about various contextual elements (i.e. historical elements otherwise not known unless you study the time period).

The World Bible Handbook: This book is more technical in nature. This book reads more like a Biblical commentary. It seems slightly more academic in nature than I am used to, but if I am to study Biblical Studies as a graduate student, then I better get crackin'!

Notes on the New Testament - Explanatory and Practical: This book is much like the former, except it only offers criticism of the NT.

A Conservative Introduction to the New Testament: This book is a very comprehensive introduction to the New Testament. This book is going to be uber helpful, because it goes into great detail describing various historical elements as well as some passages.

The Ten Commandments: This book is a look at the Ten Commandments, but not merely a Biblical look at them. This book takes stories written by various authors and tries to help you understand how to live the Commandments in everyday life.

Text and Texture - Close Readings of Selected Biblical Texts: This book talks about how to interpret Scripture in a very technical way. This book only details the Old Testament, but will be very valuable because it will give me the basic tools of interpretations.

The Acts of the Apostles: This book details the Acts of the Apostles in a Biblical commentary sort of fashion. It's a tiny book, but I'm sure that I'll get quite a bit out of it!

All of these books are going into my already crowded bookcases. I haven't the faintest idea on where to put them! I am always adding books to the collection, but they will just end up on the floor anyhow.

I just imagine one day when I'm a professor at some university or college that I'll have all of these books that I've collected all over the floor, with papers galore, with no place for students to sit! At least the books wouldn't be all over my house!

A frog in my throat...

It appears that I have caught yet another cold. I thought at first that it was just allergies acting up, but I doubt that after a week of not feeling better with allergy medicine. I started with this really stuffy feeling, then a sore throat, then it evolved into a bad headache, sweating and a feeling of almost faintness.

I was at work yesterday and I was at my register and my throat felt so dry that I just had to get some water. Of course our fountain is still broken, so we had no water downstairs. I really needed a drink of water, so my friend downstairs who was the CSM as well told me that it was cool to go and get money to buy a water.

I finally got my water and that really didn't help. I thought then it would be better to just call the doctor's office and see if they could fit me in. They could, but I had to leave work. I didn't really have to leave work, but I was sweating profusely, and my throat was killing me. I could tell what side was up, so I just said that my appointment was in a few minutes (not right to do, I know but I did it anyway).

He (the doc) says that I have an upper respitory infection. That's the same thing that I had before, but it took forever to go away. I hope that it doesn't this time! I certainly don't want to be sick the whole summer! It's apparent to me now that I'm whining like a five year old, so on to brighter news!!!

My mom started her training at Wal-Mart today, and I think that it will definately go better than it did at Weis potato chips. She seemed calmer when she left for her training this morning, so I think that this will be good.
I look at myself and I realize that I have a long ways to go spiritually speaking. I see my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ kneeling before Mass praying their hearts and souls out to God, and sometimes I don't even know what to say to Him. Is it totally wrong to get jealous of someone else's ability to pray better than me? I think it is.

As the Scriptures say the Holy Spirit will help you ask God for what you don't know what to ask God for. I used to ask the Holy Spirit for help in prayer all the time. I used to pray constantly before bed. I always knew what to say. I stopped praying for the help of the Holy Spirit, and my prayer life is drastically decreasing.

I look at other people and see how truly devoted to God they are. Don't get me wrong, I am devoted to God - but not as much as I maybe should be. Sometimes when I have interior struggles, I don't turn to God automatically as I should, I try to fix the problem myself - which I know isn't the right way to go about doing things.

I go to Confession and confess my sins. That Sacrament is incredibly healing. Those sins that are weighing down on my heart are something that I need to get off of my chest periodically, and what a great vessle God has given us to do so!

I try to talk to God as much as I can. God and my family, and school are the most important things to me in this point of my life - and I hope that it continues to be that way. I just have to realize that I'm not perfect, and that I am always growing in His love. As I have said before - I am a work in progress.

Suffering

Before finding faith in the Catholic Church I considered myself to be an Atheist, I now think that it was a little bit dramatic on my part. I didn't know anything about religion at all and just had this overwhelming feeling of doubt. I now think that maybe I was just Agnostic all along.

I mention that because I went to buy my books for my Summer course and there was a section on suffering. That was always a question that was inside of my head. If there was this all powerful God in the world, why would He allow everyone to suffer such great losses and terrible defeats? I always wondered about disease and natural disasters and what that meant for the world, and why God would do such a thing - that is if He even existed. I have since come to a somewhat understanding of those questions that I had before I came to faith.

In the book, "Christian Foundations: An Introduction to Faith in Our Time," it offers an explanation of suffering that I wish I would have read years ago. In the section it talks about the book of Job. Job is a perfect example of the seemingly 'perfect' world gone wrong. He has everything, then eventually nothing. Job towards the middle of the book begins to question God as he has been influenced by his friends to believe that God is punishing him for sin. The book reaches its climax when God speaks to Job... He doesn't answer his questions about suffering but instead poses a series of questions that one couldn't possibly answer...

Where were you when I laid the Earth's foundations? / Tell me, since you are so well informed. / Who decided the dimensions of it, do you know? (38:4)

Have you ever in your life given orders to the morning or sent the dawn to its post? (38:12)

Have you journeyed all the way to the sources of the sea, or walked where the abyss is deepest? (38:16)

Then it seems that with these comments God has given Job the proverbial slap in the face. He is telling Job in many words that he is in way over his head, into something that he will never understand. Job admits that he doesn't understand and he becomes comforted. He understands "that suffering does not negate God's goodness or the value of life."

I wish that I would have realized that long before I came to the Church. It seems like such a simple conclusion: God is still good and there even when we are intensely suffering. He is with us I think even moreso than at any other time. Christ came into this world and suffered as a human (although he had a divine nature), so we could identify with Him. He cried, we cry. He was betrayed, we are betrayed sometimes as well. I could go on and on, but I just want to say that the Lord always understands and He is with us when we suffer. He isn't some sadist sitting up in a cloud watching over us waiting for us to slip up to punish us again. He is there to watch us, to care for us, and lead us to the right path when we fall.

I don't know if that makes any sense but that is what is going on in my head right now...